We Don’t Talk about Darcy, by Lelia Eye

My week’s been pretty stressful, with my 17-year-old dog getting chewed up by a dog more than ten times his size. His front legs were paralyzed, but one of them seems at least somewhat usable now, so we are hoping he will continue to get better to where he can at least get around.

I thought I would do something more lighthearted for my blog post as a result of the stressful week. While I realize many of you are not really the target audience for this, I figure a fair number of you are probably at least passingly familiar with Lin-Manuel Miranda’s “We Don’t Talk about Bruno” due to its popularity. (The music video is at the bottom of this post in case you haven’t heard it.) I wanted to do a parody of it, as the song has been on my brain a lot lately.

There were a few different contenders for the person who isn’t to be talked of (like Wickham), but I thought it would be the most fun to do Darcy – particularly in the context of that first ball and everyone’s reactions to him. And so, here is “We Don’t Talk about Darcy”:

We Don’t Talk about Darcy

Mrs. Bennet:
We don’t talk about Darcy, yeah, yeah, yeah!
We don’t talk about Darcy…but–

Mrs. Bennet: I pictured a wedding day!
Mr. Bennet: She pictured a wedding day.
Mrs. Bennet: Jane and him would marry, and his wealth would rain down from the sky.
Mr. Bennet: Money can’t fall from the sky.

Mrs. Bennet: But Darcy did pace with a scowl on his face–
Mr. Bennet: Thunderous!
Mrs. Bennet: This is my story, so be quiet!
Mr. Bennet: Very well. Continue on!

Mrs. Bennet: Darcy only danced two times!
Mr. Bennet: I can’t blame the man.
Mrs. Bennet: And to Lizzy, he gave a slight!
Mr. Bennet: That I don’t understand.
Mrs. Bennet: My marriage plans could not take flight.
Mr. Bennet: Because he can’t stand to dance?

Mr. and Mrs. Bennet:
We don’t talk about Darcy, yeah, yeah, yeah!
We don’t talk about Darcy!

Elizabeth:
So! Bingley said Darcy was standing ’bout dumbly,
Thinking it’d be better if he tried to act humbly,
Dancing with young ladies instead of tryin’ to run. “Come! Come! Come!”
Darcy said Jane was the only one lovely,
Called me tolerable, which basically meant ugly.
He was a proud snob who hated everyone.
He was not much fun!

Lydia:
He’s six-feet tall,
A sneer upon his face.
When he talks to you,
He puts you in your place.
He sees the mamas’ dreams
And makes them all scream. (Various: Why?!)

Various:
We don’t talk about Darcy, yeah, yeah, yeah!
We don’t talk about Darcy!

Sir Lucas:
I couldn’t introduce him to women.
It confounds my head! (Various: Why?! Why?)

Charlotte:
I can’t believe he insulted Eliza
And all that he said! (Various: Why?! Why?)

Kitty:
Now how could the nice Mr. Bingley have such a cruel friend? (Various: Why?! Why? Oh!)

Various:
A rich man’s wealth is sure meant to be shared!

Caroline:
I think he is the man of my dreams, and I don’t want to share him at all.
His handsome mien and his handsome estate are both like the siren’s call.

Mary:
I think we can learn from Fordyce.

Elizabeth:
I wonder if the man of my dreams is somewhere out there,
Waiting to meet me.
I want a man who can smile.

Caroline:
Eliza, I want to hear nothing from you. (Elizabeth: I want a man who can smile.)

Elizabeth:
I want a man who can smile!

Bingley: Um, Darcy…
Yeah, about my friend Darcy…
I really need to speak about Darcy…
He really is a great guy, Darcy!

Caroline:
Charles, my future boyfriend’s here!

Mrs. Bennet:
Not that man again!

Lydia:
He’s six-feet tall, (Mrs. Bennet: I pictured a wedding day! Mr. Bennet: She pictured a wedding day!)
A sneer upon his face. (Mrs. Bennet: Jane would marry,)
When he talks to you, (Mrs. Bennet: and his wealth would rain down from the sky.)
He puts you in your place. (Mr. Bennet: Money can’t fall from the sky!)

Lydia:
He sees the mamas’ dreams (Mrs. Bennet: But Darcy did pace with a scowl on his face–)
And makes them all scream. (Mr. Bennet: Thunderous!)
Mrs. Bennet: This is my story, so be quiet!
Mr. Bennet: Very well. Continue on! (Mary: I think we can learn from Fordyce!)

Mrs. Bennet:
Mr. Darcy only danced two times! (Lydia: He’s six-feet tall, a sneer upon his face.)
And to Lizzy, he gave a great slight!
My marriage plans could not take flight!

Mrs. Bennet:
Darcy’s here!

Various:
Don’t talk about Darcy, yeah! (Bingley: What is so wrong with Darcy?)
Not a word about Darcy!
(Bingley: I don’t understand the problem with Darcy!)

 

Whew. And there we have it! I always love the idea of the whole neighborhood being scandalized because of Darcy’s supposed rudeness–when part of it is just because he is shy! (Granted, he is certainly proud at the beginning of the novel, but I think his reticence is also key to his behavior.)

I couldn’t find a good way to put a line for Jane in there since it was mostly people insulting Darcy (poor guy!), but she is mentioned at least!

“We Don’t Talk about Bruno” has been my latest earworm. Do you have any that come to you a lot? Do you ever try your hand at song parodies? It’s not as easy as you’d think – I had to play the video while singing my lyrics so I could revise and revise again. I thought it wouldn’t take me as long as it did!

I really do think this is one of my favorite paragraphs in Pride and Prejudice:

Mr. Bingley was good-looking and gentlemanlike; he had a pleasant countenance, and easy, unaffected manners. His sisters were fine women, with an air of decided fashion. His brother-in-law, Mr. Hurst, merely looked the gentleman; but his friend Mr. Darcy soon drew the attention of the room by his fine, tall person, handsome features, noble mien, and the report which was in general circulation within five minutes after his entrance, of his having ten thousand a year. The gentlemen pronounced him to be a fine figure of a man, the ladies declared he was much handsomer than Mr. Bingley, and he was looked at with great admiration for about half the evening, till his manners gave a disgust which turned the tide of his popularity; for he was discovered to be proud; to be above his company, and above being pleased; and not all his large estate in Derbyshire could then save him from having a most forbidding, disagreeable countenance, and being unworthy to be compared with his friend.

Anyone else appreciate it as much as I do?